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Susan was throwing a party

hoping all her friends could be there

with lots of food and booze to spare

some of her friends could be tarty

which would make the fun more hearty

but one mistake made her say oops

when up from the barracks some troops

arrived while the drink was flowing

and insults they started throwing

upsetting all the other groups

Throughout the land I will be known

as the protector of the English crown

Five kings of England served by me,

there were Richard, John and three Henrys

keeping them safe was my game

William Marshal was my name

I feel that I really should applaud her

for keeping my bed in such disorder

for if I just wanted to relax

she would have provided paperbacks

but instead I sit here on this ledge

and my bum feels every sharp, hard edge.

When deep in the jungle something stirred

I looked around to see what I’d heard

in front of me in the long grass

was a huge tiger licking it’s paws

though for alarm there was no cause

you’ve never seen me run so fast

Announced by a screech

next the scratch at the window

let bloodlust begin

We turn toward the beach once more

and staring through the smoke-filled air

see hordes of figures standing there

too tired even to implore

us to remove them from this shore

when at the start of this new day

our boats appeared across the bay

faced by such a desolate scene

from the hell through which they’ve been

the saviours for whom each did pray.

Whenever into the country we go

the direction to take I always know

the answer is always plain to see

I always look for an old bent tree

but how does that help you may well ask

well the South west wind blows up a bent tree’s trunk, (sorry but nothing rhymed)

The path ahead was straight and true

on which I and my true love trod

I said my heart is just for you

she called me a romantic sod

but I could see she was impressed

no-one had told her that before

the trouble was she wasn’t dressed

for lying on the forest floor

so I held her close by a tree

and slid both my arms around her

she was excited I could see

nervous I started to flounder

before I’d only ever thought of sex

and didn’t know what I should do next